Anthony Bourdain
is my dream f***.

I dontch know if he's gay or not
(but even if he is)
I just think he is so uberly,
hot hot hot.

I could weep when I watch him on teevee you know? Weep sad silent tears of silver and gold.

I'll do a love spell that makes him fall in love with me.
I want to be Bourdain's favourite statue.
Or the utensil he uses to eat some exotic dish.
Actually.
I want to be his sex slave.
I want to be his little secret love.
I want him to keep me in a bottle in his pocket and whenever he's horny, he'd rub on it and I'd come out and do his bidding.

STOP *GAPSING!!

God, I'd light him a thousand cigarettes if I had to. Even if I'm in my second week of quitting cigarettes.

GOD!

I love Anthony Bourdain, I do
I love Anthony Bourdain, I do.
I love Anthony Bourdain! I do!
I LOVE ANTHONY BOURDAIN!!!!!! (and i is sayin it in purple because purple is my favourite colour, okay?)

And watching him kinda makes me get really philosophical about things y'know. And yesterday, while drooling at his naked upper torso, I was inspired to think about ..well, cats. I don't know why. I just thought about them, okay?

In truth, I hate them.. I mean, I'm not very fond of them.
But I couldn't help but wonder, why do cats have whiskers.

I tried to let it slide. But it kept niggling at me.
Not the cat.
The doubt.
Why? Why? WHY?

The question bugged me so frickin much that I couldn't sleep last night.

So I went and did a Toots. And by that I mean employed the Google Search tool, which honestly is the best search tool ever okay?

And so I got this:

Also known as "tactile hairs" or vibrissae, whiskers are the long, thick, flexible hairs on a cat's face. These hairs are located in horizontal rows on the whisker pad, the puffy area between the top corners of your cat's mouth and the outer edges of his nose. Whiskers, like hair and nails, do fall out and are replaced. But whiskers are different from the cat's body hair in a few ways:

Whiskers should never be cut or trimmed (we'll discuss why later).

Whiskers are two to three times thicker than the cat's hair.

Whiskers are rooted very deep in the cat's face, in an area rich in nerves and blood vessels. In addition to having the long tactile hairs on their cheeks, cats also have shorter ones above their eyebrows, on their chin and on the back of their front legs. Since we are most familiar with facial whiskers, let's look at what they are good for:

Navigation (if you get lost often make sure you never leave home without your cat)

Whiskers help the cat feel his way around. Whiskers are so sensitive that they can detect the slightest directional change in a breeze. At night, for example, this helps a cat slink its way through a room and not bump into anything. How? The air currents in the room change depending on where pieces of furniture are located. As the cat walks through the room and approaches the couch, he'll know which direction to turn based on the change in air current around the couch.

Mood indication
In addition to having sensory properties, a cat's whiskers are also a good indicator of his mood. When a cat is angry or feels defensive, the whiskers will be pulled back. Otherwise, when the cat is happy, curious or content, the whiskers will be more relaxed and pushed forward.

Measuring an opening
But the whisker's primary use is to help a cat judge whether or not he'll fit through an opening. A cat's whiskers are roughly as wide as his body -- sort of a natural ruler. The whisker tips are sensitive to pressure. You'll probably see a cat stick his head in and out of an opening before he puts his body in. He's judging the width of the opening, and is determining if he can fit into it. An interesting note: cats don't have a true collar bone, like humans. This allows them to turn and twist their way through very narrow openings.

So there, I hope you learnt something new from the Cacklers' blog today.





*GAPS is the new GASP as per our beloved Ashburn.

Yo, Mr Fahrenheit where art thou?




Tonight as I was greedily crocodiling down a styrofoam packet of nasik kerabu biru fluorescent, I was hit with TWO mind numbing, intellectually provoking thoughts... (adoiii sakit kepala laa - i don't think that often yo)


1. If i eat nasik kaler biru fluorescent, will my shit be the same color?
Answer: No. Sekian.

2. If 7-Eleven opens 24 hours a day, why is it then called 7-Eleven?!!!

*jeng jeng jeng*

Apabila TooTs berfikir, the heavens open dan malaikat pun berzikir!!!
(O How Utterly Blasphemous!!! ~maafkan saye emm!~)

With the aid of the new age enpsychopedia aka GugleDotKomKomApaKomBatBatApaBatman; I have managed to solve this mystery!!!

Behold! A brief history on kedai dua puloh ampat jam kegemaran Labu, Luncai dan Phyllis Abigail Norton, 7-Eleven!


7-Eleven - the who, the how, the when^

*hek hem*

History
The company was founded in Oak Cliff, Texas, USA, which is now part of Dallas, USA, in 1927, and started to use the 7-Eleven name in 1946; the previous branding of these stores was as "Speedee-Mart". Supermarket chain Ito-Yokado, which operates 7-Eleven stores in Japan, purchased the majority interest of Southland Corporation in 1991. Also in 1999, Southland Corporation changed its name to 7-Eleven, Inc.

Initially, these stores were open from 7 am to 11 pm, which was unprecedented at the time, hence the name; however, most 7-Eleven stores are now open twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week. 7-Eleven's most popular private label products include: Slurpees, a partially frozen slurry in a number of flavors, and the Big Gulp super size soft drink in 32, 44, 52, and 64 (American) fluid ounce sizes. In 2005, 7-Eleven introduced their largest soft drink product, the 128 fluid ounce (1 gallon) Team Gulp.

In November of 2005, Seven & I Holdings Co. completed the purchase of 7-Eleven, Inc., turning the American publicly-traded conglomerate into a publicly-traded Japanese conglomerate. Seven-Eleven Japan is itself a subsidiary of Seven & i Holdings, which also owns the Japanese Denny's chain of restaurants and Ito-Yokado.

Trivia(L)
The only privately owned 7-11 stores are located in the Oklahoma City, Oklahoma metropolitan area. These 100 stores are owned by the Brown Family, and carry a slightly different product selection than other 7-11 stores in the world. They do not serve hotdogs, or nachos but have their own bakery called Seventh Heaven, and have fresh baked donut and cookie/pastry rack in each store, while many other regional 7-11s will carry Dunkin' Donuts. Also, due to this agreement, they carry a similar product in lieu of the Slurpee, the Icy Drink. The one side effect to this being that national advertising campaigns and promotions (e.g. movie marketing tie-ins) cannot be used. This unique marketing agreement can be traced to a merger with the Oklahoma based U-Totem stores in the early 70's.
^Source: Wikipedia Dot Org.



And so now, u too, like me, know the origins of our feveret 24 hour mart, and also Phyllis Abigail Norton's feveret kedai runcit untuk membeli jamu dan julap --> 7-Eleven - where the best daifuku's (pronounced as "die-fuck-you") are sold!

Rawkin' Mubarak is Ramadan,
& Rawkin' Haute is TooTs!!!


On behalf of the lovely owners of this blog,
the one with the great humor and roaring laughter,
the one who's feisty and gloriously cynical,
the one who's morbid and depressed yet lovable,
the one who's getting soft coz of the bum bum in her tum tum,
the one who's new york bound and loves playdoh,
the one who's got a brother we all would love to share (ha ha)...
and finally, me, the one who's suddenly stuck with the word "rawk!!"

would like to wish all you shiny happy people of la la land,
a blessed ramadan.

may you spend your days in abstinence (shitfuckican'tcusscan'tfuckcan'tfagfuckla)
and your nights in your comfy jammies coz jammies rawk.

have a good ramadan y'all.

just coz you don't eat during the day, doesn't mean you can stuff your faces at night.
moderation yo. it rawks.

so have a good weekend and remember, karaokeism is the way of life!!!


RAWK ON!




aku jerit sampai periiiittt!
kerana tiket sepuluh ringgit!
rock n roll lu punya suka brader!

I was browsing my uni website for on-campus jobs when I came across this:


JOB TITLE: Nude Figure Model

WAGE: $11.00
DAYS: HOURS: Varies
HOURS A WEEK: Varied
START DATE: Fall Quarter

JOB INFORMATION

POSITION SUMMARY:
Model nude for Figure Drawing class. Schedule of days and times varies between quarters. Daytime availability.


ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS:
The Instructor will explain the desired poses for a particular session. Model will have freedom of self-expression.


QUALIFICATIONS/SKILLS REQUIRED:
Previous nude modeling required. Females and males needed.


USD11?? I hope they're charging hourly. Woot woot! It'll be interesting, don't you think so? To watch I mean. To watch the students, with their faces serious and sombre while they concentrate on their drawing while the model is in position, posing patiently in front of the class.

Would you do it, if you're far away in a foreign land and you are sure that nobody knows you there? Just a thought, not that I'm applying. I'm not 1-to-many person, if you know your database design eheheh.

Did you know that playing Play Doh is the IN thing nowadays? It is! Leen Ash Burn said so last night.

Mould it to your fancy, baby. Roll it, squish it into your own penile fantasy. Knead it, stretch it till you get the perfect curry puff shell. Flatten it, pinch it to get the absolute resemblance to your idiotic boss.

What you can do with Play Doh is limitless!

*gaps!!!* - To gasp is so passé, according to Leen (again, she's keen on becoming some kind of a trendsetter methinks) it's the IN thing to say now.

So yeah, oh gaps! Hurry and get your Play Doh now!

I need to do a .Brand. .Audit. I am cracking my head whether it is to be Durex, Playboy or 007. heh. Or do you think I should be frumpy and choose .Nes.tle. instead?

Moving on, I see that the Fellowship of the Pudenda seems to be in the limelight, now. (were we ever out of it anyhow?). For that we must thank the Pussy (cat) who initiated some sort of award . It's too bad we don't do cats, or we'd have given you a blowjob already. A Blowjob for a Pussy. Sungguh oxymoron sekali, but you get my drift, no?

A Blowjob for Pussy is what I'll never give because I'm a cunninglinguist.

I am so impressed with myself for coming up with that. Now scuse me while I go pat myself on my back.

Hokay, done.


You know what's annoying? Being so fucking poor.
I mean, the gaji comes in and in a week it's all disappeared.
God, I hate eet.

I hate eet even more when you look into my eyes.
But I don't want you to stop looking into them because I want to hate eet.
Eet=You.

There. Got it off my chest.





Incoherent is I. I know. I know.
Just dropped by to say Hi!

And tell you that I like that Tokyo Drift song. I want to be a Japanese girl in a short short skirt and wear stockings and I want to be your wildest sex fantasy.

CACKLERS 101

Lovely Ladies and Gregarious Gentelmen,

Welcome to the Priory! Thanks to the lissom mind of the lithesome ginger cat we fondly hail as WongAhBeng, the Priory that is the Home of the Beautiful People otherwise known as the Perverted Cacklers has seen a surge in visitors.

To all, we extend a warm welcome.

My Pretty Pudendums and Pitiful Prickheads;

We believe that many of you are first-time visitors and like inexperienced virgins uninformed with the worldly ways of the wonderful Priory, we would like to take you on a trip to familiarise yourself with the pleasant population of the Priory.

The Beautiful People of the Priory were initially individuals who discovered each other when they made Xanga their virtual home. It started with Leen and Ariel, the two Founding members, followed by Miss Little Sunshine and Cookie. Later, they roped in the Babe, Too0ooTs and finally the Snots. Then we became the Priory of the Perverted Cacklers.

And now, my pretty periwinkles and puny penises; it gives the Beautiful People great pleasure to start on the introduction of each of the member of the Priory. We will start with:

Leen – Master Story Teller (as proven time and again from her long-winded blog entries); also a Diva who does not believe in punctuality. A Brainiac that is not quite a Braggart. Sings Zombie better than the Cranberries.

Ariel – Also a Master Story Teller. Writer by Profession. Scrabble Champion. Drama Queen. Moody and Temperamental (but that is expected as she belongs to the creative elitist group). Has the tendency in attracting ghosts and ghouls with her presence.

Cookie – Bridget Jones of Malaysia. Her life is full of amusing anecdotes. Fantastic mover on the Dance Floor. Sleaze-magnet who is quite Compliant with Instructions and Orders. .A Jet-setter in the making (she’s heading for New York pretty soon).

Sunshine – A Brainiac. Ferocious and Fiery. Virtuous. An Electrifying Beauty. Least IT-Savvy by choice (which explains her absence from the Contributor panel on the right). A Mommy-in-the-Making.

Babe – Janda Gatal. Indecisive. A Gorgeous Midget that is Getting Fatter each day. Highly-strung. An Ingrate and A Bimbo. Oldest and Shortest in the Group.

ToOoTs – Fashionista and a Trend-Setter. Sexy and Smart Dame who pretends to be a Bimbo. Another Wordsmith. Brimming with Creative Ideas. Very Receptive. Kararoke Junkie. Catchphrase is “I girl, I shy.”

Snots – Exotic. Part Italian. Athletic and Tall. Another Brainiac. Mean Futsal Player. Quite Anal and Suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Another Jet-setter who is heading for Paris real soon.

My amusing antelopes and comical cuntlovers;

With the little preamble, we hope that you have gotten to know each of us a little better. The common mission of the Beautiful People is of course to have fun in all that we do and spread the joy around. Do visit us again and perhaps when you leave this blog, you have a beautiful smile plastered on your face.

Before we conclude, we would again like to thank the cat that is Wong Ah Beng for the platform he has kindly given us to promote ourselves (we are also attention-whores), as well as those who have kindly voted us despite our inability to buy them chapattis and vandaloos.

From the bottom of our bags, we thank you.

Previous entries for today can be found here and here.

BEAUTIFUL GAS

Traffic is on the increase, and I am compelled to share with visitors who chanced upon this blog with something of great significance.

It is estimated that a healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day.

It is my intention to turn the virtual home that is the Priory into a centre of excellence where this is the place that promotes the seeking of information and knowledge. And with that in mind, I share with you this little information that I stumbled upon while I was on my quest to better myself.

Christmas trees are edible. Many parts of pines, spruces, and firs can be eaten. The needles are a good source of vitamin C. Pine nuts, or pine cones, are also a good source of nutrition.

The cat should be happy now.

In the woods there was a tree,
the foinest tree that u ever did seee!!!











*sambung*

Oh. My. God.
I am a loike, a total karaoke junkie.

Now, how do you know if you're a karaoke junkie?

Do you get all giggly and hyped up when you hear the slight mention of the K-word?
Do you never say NO to a K-Ok invi?
Do you think that there should be more cheaper KTVs and with a mooch better song selection?
Do you feel like there should be a national holiday for K-Ok day?
Do you, at times, feel like you should bring your own mike to the K-Place?
Do you know all (almost) all the songs by heart?
Do you feel the urge of quitting your day job and spend days and nights K-Ok-ing?
(no, not really, I kinna like my job eventho it's killing me)

And finally, do you just love singing your heart out to almost anything and everything?

Then u MIGHT be a Karaoke Junkee!
Dial 1-800-IZMEJUNKEE now to find out!

Ahahaha a totally pointless entry, but who cares. Why make points when making love is so much more fun?

So.

Do the hustle baybay! Yeowww!

So the Diva and I, self professed Karaoke Junkies and mike hoggers,
have scheduled a slot for a K-Ok sesh soon!

Message us in private if yew want to join in on the fun!

Cacklers: WAJIB KE ATAS KAMU SEMUA. :P
(yea yea that's what i said about Swensen's oso)


Oh nota kaki:
Why do people don hideous masks and act all poserifically poserific when in large groups?
Why be pretentious? Why not be yourself and be graded for who you are and not what you appear to be?

It sickens me to see grown adults act in absolute insecurity.

Which is why I highly commend my lovely adorable self for I am one who just let's my flab hang loose, anywhere and everywhere. 24, 7. The TooTsie, like the Citi, never sleeps.

Okay yea. I'm in mengarut mode.

Leen, dah berak hari ni?



Hahaha.
I miss all you ladies la.

Boobies jom?




Lots and lots and lots and lots of love, hugs, kisses, licks, squeezes and many more,
-The Perfectly Poserific Pudendum-

Join me O' Cackling Sisters.

Haute Cuisine

And my tongue told me, among others that,

beetles taste like apples,

wasps like pine nuts,

and white worms like fried pork rinds.

Enjoy!!!

The weatherman said that today,

September 7

is the Neither Snow nor Rain Day.

Nine years ago today

I married the love of my life.

And an exploration began.

The Romans had three words for kissing:

bassium - the kiss exchanged by acquaintances

osculum - the kiss between close friends

suavium - the kiss between lovers

We are no longer lovers.

Fingers, dirt and art!


Hey hey, let's all go bald and paint our scalps with bright pink daisies?!!!
Wouldn't that be utterly rad!!!

(Oh don't I sound 15?!)


*******


hek hem. bla bla bla bla bla...


"Car Grafitti!!!"


I for one, am VERY proud with the fact that I haven't washed my car in many, many, many, many moons (and countless suns)...

And as such, I have indulged in "Car Grafitti!"
(How do u spell grafitti again? Heck, who cares.)

Car Grafitti is in fact, the simple art of making ur uber grubby car stand out. What with the haze, the smog, the dirt, the birds, the men, of courCe cars will naturally obtain a thick layer of gunk on the outer layer.

Too many pollutants, and yet too little toime to clean it off!!!

So how does a super stylo hot hoochie mama like moiself (eh I'm hot okay? fat but hot) pull off driving in a grubby car? So grubby, the paint has changed from metallic silver to matte gray dusk.

I invented "Car Grafitti"!

But then again, I am TooTs and everybody knows I rock.

Ahh pardon me while i bask in my own self-professed glory...


*basking in self-professed glory*
*basking in self-professed glory*
*basking in self-professed glory*
*basking in self-professed glory*

Anyways... so you ask,
"O by gosh golly TooTs! How DO we achieve such great heights?!!"

O fret not my former-symbian friend! TooTs is here to save the day.


How To Be Proud of Your Grubby Car:

1. Got dirt?
To achieve the right effect, your car must be massiVely grubby; i.e: the dirt must be thick enuff to rival that of lorries and other heavy duty thingamajigs found at various grubby places and whatnots.

If in the event, it is still too clean, and you being the poser that you are, would like to be part of the "in" crowd (everything done by TooTs is the latest craze okay?); then I would suggest you spend a full day tailing a bas kilang or kenderaan berdiesel dan mengeluarkan asap hitam.


2. Finger me baby.
Ohhh yess baby oohhh yes!

Oh. Oops.

- Raise ur right hand.
- Clench it into a fist.
- Pointing finger goes up.
- Ensure finger is clean from gunk (like boogers and whatnots... oh don't give me that look, I know what you coons use your fingers for. Useless fuckwits!!!)

And now you are ready, my young tadpole!


3. Praise me like you shoooood!
With finger, write poetry on your car, or perhaps, phrases that you think would rock an elephant's mother. Support with graphic imagery!

4. Speak dirty baby!
The whole idea is to appeal to the viewer, for the whole idea of "Car Grafitti" is to stand out with a hint of class and not be vulgar and crass.

So. DO NOT write idiotic things such as:
"Call me for a free fuck!"
or "Ina sayang Mawi!"
or "Mawi pun sayang Ina!"
or "Fuck brader!"
or "Ini kereta nenek saya. Nenek saya rambut oren!"
or "Kak Temah Labu k**ngk*k (would you like to buy a vowel? :P) hebat!"

and other statements of similar nature; for this is art!
And art must be unique and well thought!

For example, a simple hai ku wud rock!
"Leaping frog lands on leaf; a peaceful life."
or
"Creaking boards come to rest; really great sex!"

Please, the idea here is not to be lewd or perverse; albeit my perverted nature.

Instead we must appeal with wit and intelligent humor!
Innuendos are welcomed, but be warned that not all can master it!

5. In conclusion...
Be very, very, very wise when choosing your statement!
Cleverly think up of a theme that suits you and your style.

After all, this is all about still being stylishly fab, even with horrendously icky wheels!!!

All you fashionistas and hot hoochie mamas (and papas) out there, raise your finger and make art!!!

But beware of committing a fashion faux pas okay?
Now go make TooTs proud!!!



Luvsies and kissies,
-The Pretentious Perky Pudendum-





Next Up: Crocs: They rawk!

A Rhapsody for the Genius that is Toots

Toots, an enigma that she is, will always be remembered for her devious way with words and how the words seem to flow simply out of her fingertips like the cascading water of the Victoria Falls.

And today, we will pluck from the oblivion, one of the hilariously greatest works of Toots, entitled:

SAJAK BOHEMIAN
::dendangan - ratu::
::dipetik daripada album - suatu malam di panggung opera::

Adakah ini kehidupan sebenar, adakah ini khayalan

Terperangkap dalam tanah runtuh, tiada kebebasan daripada realiti

Bukalah mata, dongak ke langit dan lihatlahh

Aku hanya budak miskin, aku tak perlu kan belas kasihan

Kerana ku mudah datang, mudah pergi, sedikit tinggi, sedikit rendah

Arah mana pun angin bertiup, tak begitu penting pada ku

Padaaaa kuuuu

Mama, aku bunuh orang hari ini, letak pistol pada kepalanya

Lepaskan pemicu, sekarang dia dah mati

Mama, kehidupan baru hendak bermula

Tapi aku telah pergi campak semuanya pergi

Mama ooooh.... tak berniat nak bagi kau menangis

Kalau waktu ini esok ku masih belum pulangg

Teruskan laah terus kan laaah

Seolah-olah tiada apa-apa yang penting

Terlalu lambat, saat ku dah tiba, terketar-ketar tulang belakangku

Badan ku sakit senantiasa

Selamat tinggal semua, aku harus pergi

Perlu tinggal kan kamu semua dan berdepan dengan kebenaran

Mama oooohhh (arah mana pun angin bertiup)

Aku tak nak mati, aku berdoa aku tidak pernah dilahirkan

Teruskan laaah terus kan laaah

Seolah-olah tiada apa-apa yang penting....

Aku nampak bayangan seorang lelaki

Scaramouche, scaramouche, boleh kah kau buat tarian Fandango

Guruh dan kilat, sangat sangat menakutkan Ku!

Galileo (Galileo)Galileo (Galileo)Galileo figaro (Magnifico)

Tapi aku hanya budak miskin dan tiada siapa sayangi ku

Dia hanya budak miskin daripada keluarga miskin

Kecuali kan nyawanya daripada keseksaan ini

Mudah datang mudah pergi, izinkan aku pergi

Bismillah! Tidak! Kami tak akan lepaskan kau pergi, lepaskan nya

Bismillah! Kami tak akan lepaskan kau pergi, lepaskan nya

Bismillah! Kami tak akan lepaskan kau pergi, lepaskan nya

Kami tak akan lepaskan kau pergi, lepaskan nya

Kami tak akan lepaskan kau pergi, lepaskan nya

Tidak tidak tidak tidak tidak tidak tidak

Mama mia mama mia mama mia lepas kan ku

Beelzebub sudahkah setan sediakan tempat untuk ku, untuk ku, untuk kuuuuu

Jadi kau ingat kau boleh rejam ku dengan batu dan ludah dalam mata ku

Jadi kau ingat kau boleh sayangi ku dan tinggal kan aku untuk matiiii

Oooooohh sayaaangggg, jangan buat begini padaku sayang

Aku perlu keluar, aku perlu keluar dari sinii

Tiada apa-apa yang penting lagi, semua orang nampak

Tiada apa-apa yang penting lagi, tiada apa-apa yang penting lagi bagiku...

Arah mana pun angin bertiup.....

And Toots's parting shot was:

Go ahead. TRY singing it in Malay!!!